Not What You Expected
by Vaneria Potter
Summary: Inspired partly by 'A SCA Girl in Middle Earth', partly by ideas that won't let you sleep at 2 am, and partly by one too many implausible Company Dwarf/OC fanfiction stories. Two girls fall into the Quest for the Lonely Mountain... and discover that they REALLY should have thought this through better. Now continued for other stupid cliches!
1. Earth-Girl in the Quest for Erebor

_Disclaimer: I do not own The Hobbit, or any of the associated characters. All credit goes to the wonderful JRR Tolkien, who is probably rolling in his grave right now._

_Summary: Inspired a bit by 'A SCA girl in Middle Earth' and a bit by one too many 'girl of improbable ancestry/backstory joins a company of dwarves with an even more improbable explanation of why'. This time is VERY different._

* * *

**NOT WHAT YOU EXPECTED**

Alice and Erin were ordinary girls from an ordinary life on Earth. The fact that both were currently in raptures over the latest Peter Jackson movie '_The Hobbit'_ did nothing to change that, nor did the fact that they were currently insisting on being called Rayvyn and Atara, in an effort to sound more like they were from Middle Earth.

None of that mattered though, since they were finally being allowed to go to New Zealand, where they intended to spend the entire four days exploring anything and everything to do with the movie. You could actually go to the setting of the Shire, and spend the entire day there.

OK, so they were only allowed to go because it was the school holidays and Rayvyn's older sister had permission to go to some re-enactment thing being held not far away, where she was better known as Mairi, dragging along an acquaintance, who had yet to choose a name and was known as Suzi, who had _very_ slowly become a reluctant friend of Mairi's, but that was beside the point.

At the moment, Atara and Rayvyn were giggling over how cool it would be if they could magically be thrown into Middle Earth and take part in the Quest for the Lonely Mountain. Especially if they could get Thorin Oakenshield and Kili to fall for them along the way

Sitting near the hotel window (She and Suzi would go to the faire in the morning) and valiantly trying to ignore them, Mairi huffed in exasperation, engrossed in the Unfinished Tales and explaining something to Suzi.

Suzi looked awkward as soon as she heard the younger girls mention the words 'cool', 'thrown into' and 'Quest', and downright uncomfortable at the idea of either Dwarf instantly falling in love with them. Rayvyn stuck out her tongue at her sister. "Admit it; you'd love to fall into the Hobbit. Hot Dwarves, adventures, treasure… what's not to love?"

Suzi actually patted Mairi on the shoulder. Mairi closed her eyes. "You wouldn't last five minutes, unless you had more lives than a cat."

Mairi could spout more random facts about Tolkien than anyone Rayvyn knew, so maybe they should have multiple lives if they hypothetically fell into Middle Earth. Adept at reading her friend's facial expressions, Atara smiled and lowered her voice. "We should bring Mairi along as a guide that only we can see or hear when we choose. She can tell us the unimportant details and we'll look wise and powerful!"

Rayvyn beamed. "I suppose I should be a dwarf, since that much height difference could make things difficult."

Atara waved a hand. "I'm sure I can get Thorin to fall in love with me, even if I am an elf. _Everyone_ thinks elves are hot, and I wouldn't be from that nasty forest, so he wouldn't have that grudge."

Mairi threw a package of complimentary hotel peanuts at them. "Shut up and go to sleep. You can dream about going to Middle Earth all you like, as long as I don't have to listen to you."

* * *

When Rayvyn woke up, she was not on a soft hotel mattress, but on the hard ground, and the late afternoon sun was shining in her eyes.

Jumping to her feet (the ground seemed a lot closer than it should have been when she was standing up); Rayvyn accidentally stepped _through_ Mairi as she darted over to where Atara lay. Atara's shriek of glee made Suzi appear out of nowhere, instantly finding herself on the receiving end of Mairi's most baleful glare.

Suzi seemed to shrink under the gaze. "If you did this on purpose, there is going to be trouble."

* * *

After a whispered conversation while Rayvyn and Atara were exclaiming at each other in delight before noticing a slight clothing dilemma, Mairi had spent the last half an hour shouting at them, showing absolutely no sympathy for their plight of their clothes now hanging off them, several sizes too large.

Suzi (no-one was quiet sure how she got there, and Suzi had muttered something about 'resonating parallels' and the Valar probably thinking it served her right) was looking conflicted, but seemed to be falling on Mairi's side.

Rayvyn finally managed to out-shout her sister. "Can we focus on the fact that my mini-dress looks like something _you'd_ wear, but baggier? How am I supposed to impress Thorin and Kili looking like this?"

Mairi gave Suzi a telling look that conveyed the impression of being the town gossip, before she sighed and took off her over-dress that Rayvyn had seen her pack for Canterbury Faire, leaving her in a shift and kirtle. She handed it to Atara, taking the other girl's mini-skirt and folding it into a makeshift belt, a vindictive smirk twitching at her lips. "Look into a reflective surface, and then tell me that the clothes are your biggest problem."

Suddenly wary, Rayvyn walked over to a small puddle (it had rained the previous night), looked down… and let out a shriek to frighten a Nazgul.

Atara, who had been more concerned with keeping her clothes up and the revelation that, rather than being a cool name, 'Atara' was High Elven for 'Mother', had not paid much attention to Rayvyn's appearance, and hurried over. What happened?"

The sobbing dwarf-maiden, who had missed a key factor of her new race, looked up. "My BEARD, is what! I'm about half my former height and I have a bloody BEARD! And not a small one, either!"

Terry Pratchett had been the one to actually state that a female dwarf was most likely to be complimented on the silkiness of her beard, but that didn't change the fact that Tolkien dwarves, no matter their sex, had beards. Suzi-Maria sounded sympathetic. "It would be culturally inappropriate to shave it off, I'm afraid."

Rayvyn's voice was a despairing wail. "Kili doesn't have a beard or a long moustache!"

Mairi rolled her eyes. "Kili is an archer; facial hair like the other dwarves would be _asking_ for a tangled bowstring!"

Rayvyn sniffled. "But I don't want a beard! I look hideous!"

In contrast to Suzi, Mairi's voice held all the sympathy of a granite boulder. "The dwarves will probably find it the most attractive thing about you."

It took a lot to get Mairi worked up into fury, so Rayvyn tended to forget how nastily waspish her sister could become when her patience ran out. Perhaps bringing her along as a 'Spirit Guide – just in case' hadn't been such a good idea.

* * *

Mairi's silent but tangible air of icy disapproval kept them quiet until they reached Hobbiton, but the sight of Bag End had both visible girls running to ring the bell, especially when they heard the sounds of a party inside.

There was the sound of someone muttering darkly, a sound they had become very familiar with after keeping most of the plane awake with their squeals whenever the dwarves showed up during the in-flight showing, and large feet stomping toward the door. "I thought you said that Thorin was the last! We're not at home to anyone, and especially not to any more dwarves! I've already got thirteen of you ruining my Hole, and I won't have another!"

The door was yanked open, revealing a Hobbit who looked ready to spit nails, and did not look the least bit impressed. He barely even glanced at them before he glared back at the dwarves. "I thought there weren't supposed to be any more of you!"

A large (comparatively speaking) dwarf with a tattooed head frowned. "There were not. Whoever they are, they're not with us."

His words caused Thorin to glance over, his face settling into a black scowl as he saw Atara. "We do not have dealings with elves."

He stomped over, but instead of falling head over heels in love, as Rayvyn had planned, he shut the door in their face.

Shimmering into view again, Mairi looked far more cheerful than she did an hour ago. Suzi, at least, was making a token effort at sympathy. "Let's move on, shall we?"

* * *

Atara had been very lucky that she had followed Gandalf in order to make an equally dramatic entrance, as the three Trolls William, Bert and Tom would have viewed her as a much larger mouthful than the dwarves, who were more armor than flesh.

As it was, Rayvyn had not counted on what seemed such an amusing scene in the movie being quite so terrifying, and her mouth seemed frozen cold with fear. Even Mairi seemed worried, having whispered something about not knowing how their presence would affect the chain of events, but since Rayvyn and Atara had made her intangible, there was nothing she could do.

It was a good thing that Bilbo managed to keep his head with no help from Rayvyn, and that Gandalf showed up in time, despite having been forced to put up with Atara following him.

* * *

Rayvyn and Atara had tried to follow Thorin so that they could point out the Moon-Runes, but Thorin had set Dwalin and Gloin to keep Rayvyn out of trouble. When Atara tried to follow Gandalf and Elrond to the meeting of the White Council, promising to tell Rayvyn the details of how she saved Middle Earth by revealing information that she would realistically have no way of knowing, she was intercepted and sent to the kitchens, with a scolding for shirking her duties to gawk at the dwarves.

How was she to know that her dress, which she had switched to linen after trying to travel in velvet became too hot, was a copy of the uniform worn by the Domestics of the Last Homely House?

She barely escaped in time to join Rayvyn in following the other dwarves as they left Rivendell. Both of the 'Company Unwanted Additions' tried not to notice the muffled hysterical laughter that seemed to be coming from thin air.

* * *

The eyes see what the mind expects to see.

In the middle of a pitched battle, the only person that the Dwarves expected to see in a robe, over five feet tall, with long hair and a sword, was Gandalf. As the Wizard could take care of himself, and the mind could play tricks in a fight like this - explaining why there seemed to be two tall, long-haired, robed, sword-wielding people at the same time – they paid the second no heed.

If they paid little attention to the tall figure who was surviving through sheer luck and the fact that most orcs were concentrating on the more immediate threat of Gandalf, Thorin and Company, they noticed the dwarf that was mostly hidden behind her even less, and the intangible spirits floating nearby not at all.

Suzi took on a look of intense concentration before they all suddenly vanished.

* * *

They reappeared in the sunlight on the side of a mountain, looking around to take their bearings… just in time to be bowled over by a pack of Wargs. The last, noticing that Rayvyn was a dwarf, even if she wasn't the thirteen dwarves that the pack had been sent to find, turned back, and Suzi barely managed to whisk them all away again only seconds before the sharp teeth closed around her body.

.

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* * *

_A/N: Yes, I went there. No, I'm not ashamed of myself._

_I may or may not do the other movies when they come out, but for now, you have this, and I have my other story to work on._

_I await either laughter, or yells that I am being mean._

_Thanks,_

_Nat_


	2. No, It ISN'T Physically Possible

_Disclaimer: I do not own Lord of the Rings, The Hobbit, or any of the associated characters. They all belong to Tolkien, who is probably spinning in his grave as I write this._

_Summary: Yes, I went there, and I am not ashamed. How Middle-Earth would REALLY react to a male pregnancy._

* * *

**M-PREG**

After being dragged all over Middle-Earth thanks to a fan-writer thinking self-inserts were cool, Mairi and Rowan had developed a deep-seated animosity toward fan-writers who did things because 'it sounded awesome' or 'they didn't see why not'. Suzi, having been counted amongst said fan-writers before being forcefully shown the error of her ways, had developed a deep-seated embarrassment on their behalf.

But no amount of repentance or knowing better _now _could fully shake the effects of spending so long under the influence of wilful self-insertion. The burden of bad writing was not so easily cast aside.

As the fiasco with Mairi's sister had demonstrated, even being a former Mary-Sue was enough for Suzi to accidentally be drawn into any fan-work similar to the things she had written. Mairi had re-defined the term 'Icy Silence' during the two weeks that she had refused to acknowledge Suzi's existence after a detailed piece of fan-art had dropped them practically on top of Merry and Pippin in a graphic 'Slash Moment'.

Apparently, Suzi-Maria's disregard for the laws of Canon to satisfy her vision of how _she _wanted things to be was enough to link her to nearly anything where a fan-writer or –artist ignored or blatantly defied facts just because they could. Safely out of Mairi's hearing, Rowan had sworn that he had seen frost crystals forming on the window, despite it being midsummer, after that announcement.

Everyone had been very careful to avoid such sites when Suzi-Maria was around, but there was nothing to be done about it, especially since Suzi-Maria seemed almost as upset about it as the rest of them.

* * *

Thus it was that Mairi did not verbally rip Suzi-Maria to well-deserved shreds when they were yanked off a train where they had been trying to ignore a bunch of giggling teenage fans, and into the shire, where they were faced with a gaggle of confused teens… all watching a deeply distressed Hobbit and several equally upset Dwarves.

The reason for their dismay quickly became evident.

Suzi-Maria closed her eyes. "OK, I know what I did was awful, but at least I never tried anything like this! That's just wrong on far too many levels!"

Sam had actually fallen to his knees, and Mairi caught snatches of _Ave Maria_ and several other fervent prayers that she didn't know the names of. For once, the others agreed with him. Rowan had turned so pale that he looked as bloodless as a Ringwraith. Suzi-Maria glanced at him. "Whoa, hey, sit down before you collapse!"

Rowan slumped onto the ground, hard. "I'm not an advocate of violence, but whoever came up with that needs a good punch in the face, and should be very, very ashamed of themselves."

That finally drew the attention of the confused teens. "Why? You have to admit, it's pretty cool, no matter how many stupid flamers prattle on about laws of nature. There's nothing wrong with two men having kids!"

The more sensible ones cringed under Mairi's death-stare, which had quelled hyperactive toddlers, wild parties two drinks short of a domestic disturbance, and everything in between. "I have to admit no such thing, and have you considered surrogacy or adoption, like some normal homosexual couples do? They aren't seahorses, for Illuvatar's sake!"

A not-so-sensible teen, somehow ignorant of the danger signs, grinned. "Yeah, but a Fili/Kili baby would be just so _CUTE_, don't you think"

Rowan threw up his hands. "They're _brothers,_ you insipid twit! Pretend that Dis had another baby who was considered too young to join the Quest, like Gimli was! How is a baby between them even going to work?"

The first teen's companion, as oblivious as his friend, shrugged "Well, magic can do a lot, and it was so obvious that Bilbo and Thorin were suffering from UST, and Tolkien's romantic relationships all ended in marriage, which was originally intended for having kids, right?"

Sam looked torn between strangling the youth or just sitting down and crying. "That's a travesty and desecration of my entire religion, you wretched little – "

Rowan and Suzi-Maria held him back and it was Suzi-Maria, who had used the 'magic can do anything' excuse more than once, who snapped back. "But even magic has limits, and no matter what, you can't get around the fact that pregnancy REQUIRES female equipment. Even if you don't necessarily need ovaries, fallopian tubes and ovulation, you need a damn uterus where the foetus can gestate, for god's sake. Where the HELL can a foetus gestate inside a man? In his small intestine? Er, no, because waste products flow through that and it would be toxic for the foetus. There's no PLACE for a foetus in the male body."

Suzi-Maria's medical studies, which she had taken up on the basis that if she had miracle-healed in Middle-Earth, she might as well do it properly on Earth, had recently covered sexual biology in depth, which explained her use of correct medical terms. The class might have spent the entire lesson trying not to look each other in the eye, but Suzi had paid attention.

One of the teens was actually a girl, which made both women feel ashamed by association on behalf of their entire gender. "Because it is just so very unfair that women are the ones who must bear children! Why can't a boy do it for a change?"

Another teen sneered at her. "Man-Hater. I bet you're about to start carrying on about Women being stronger than men!"

Mairi tripped the girl as she lunged at the sneering one. "Did none of you pay attention in science or PD/H/PE? Being a B-O-Y means that they are both incapable of carrying children and that it is biological suicide for men to even attempt. Men are not meant to carry weight in that part of their bodies. The blood doesn't flow that way, and their bodies aren't designed to give nutrients to the foetus like a woman's body is designed to. Besides that, the hormonal changes that take place in a woman during a pregnancy are not meant for men to feel. I'm not going into women are stronger than men rants here, but emotionally they are. A pregnant guy would have to be tied down. So, between dying and going insane, a pregnant man is not a very good thing."

* * *

The argument had finally drawn the attention of the non-pregnant Dwarves, who closed ranks around the afflicted members of the company, glaring and gripping their weapons. Thorin stepped forward, looking even more imposing than usual. "Look, we've already had to put up with half of Middle-Earth shunning us (though I expected as much from the Elves, at least) or screaming and running away like it was catching! I won't have you lot making things worse for Master Baggins, or for my sister-sons, or for Ori!"

After several months of accidentally annoying nearly everyone they encountered, Sam and Suzi-Maria had developed an excellent sense of self-preservation for these things, and instantly bowed. "Forgive us; it was not our intent to make things worse."

Yet another of the teens was looking vindicated. "I TOLD you that it wasn't so simple! As far as I'm concerned, one of the biggest benefits of being a guy in the first place is because we CAN'T get pregnant!"

Mairi shoved him out of the way of a throwing axe, just in time, and he staggered into another girl, who propped him up even as she protested. "Yeah, but that applies to humans! Hobbits and Dwarves are different species, so maybe they – "

She wasn't so swift as to avoid a good thump from Gandalf's staff. The Wizard had been attempting to be discreet, looking deeply uncomfortable ever since magic had first been mentioned, in case one of the more-short-tempered-than-usual Dwarves took it seriously. "Perhaps so, but some things cross all boundaries, and even the very wise could not have foreseen _this_."

_Everyone _was startled when poor Kili let out a wail and threw himself into Mairi's arms, as the closest person who seemed to have a clue what they were talking about, rather than offering wild theories. Being heavily pregnant, in a body not used to carrying such weight in that area, he nearly fell over, which didn't help anything. "I just woke up and I was like _this_! I think I would have known by now if I was sexually interested in males, in which case I am far more likely to be attracted to my own species! But now I find myself lusting after someone I view as a brother-in-arms and a friend, and I'm carrying all this extra weight, and I can't control my emotions, and – and – !"

Mairi patted him on the back. "There, there, I'm sure it's just the sudden influx of estrogen."

The unfortunate Dwarf sniffled. "Female Dwarves are rare, but I know that Mother and Gloin's wife never carried on like this! Why can't I control myself?"

Mairi tried to shove her fury to the back of her mind. Now was not the time to start screaming with rage. "Women have a lifetime to get used to this sort of thing in small doses, before pregnancy sends our bodies haywire. You don't have that luxury."

* * *

Ignoring the drama around them, yet another teen pouted at the four older humans, as if he thought sulking would get him anywhere, speaking in an accusing tone. "I bet you wrote the same thing, once! You seem to know quite a lot about all this, after all."

Rowan rolled his eyes, reaching for a weapon that wasn't there. "So does anyone who paid attention in year nine Health class or Natural Science."

Mairi shrugged. "Same thing, plus my parents thought that knowing the gory details would scare my sisters and me out of doing anything stupid."

One of the teens who had been struck silent by Mairi's glare spoke up, her voice timid. "What gory details?"

Mairi intensified the glare, making the girl whimper pitifully. "Even if a male body did somehow develop eggs and an X chromosome, it takes more than a womb to create a child. With pregnancy, the ENTIRE BODY changes. It's not just morning sickness and swelling! Your hormone levels go crazy, some bones have to soften in the right places to make room for the child, muscles have to stretch, and your immune system has to supress itself to stop your body from fighting the foetus, which is for all intents and purposes, a parasite. You gain a lot of extra weight. Let's not even go into where the baby will develop or where and how something the size of a basketball will come out in a male body. Unless you're a seahorse or some kind of _really bizarre _Alien, the male body is not equipped for pregnancy or childbirth and probably never will be!"

Any reply from the more stubborn fan-writers was forestalled by a piercing scream as Ori doubled over, clutching his belly. "Oh, by Mahal's hammer, my water just broke!"

Somewhere in the crowd, a voice very quietly muttered about _never _thinking that they'd hear that from a guy, but was thankfully ignored as everyone turned to Gandalf, who suddenly discovered a major drawback of being considered all-knowing, especially in things beyond other people's comprehension.

Gandalf backed away in alarm, composing himself enough to be cryptic, the last resort of an adult desperate to avoid answering a question. "I know of no spell that could achieve such a thing, and even an unborn _fea_ is nothing to play with. There are some who live that deserve death, yet many who die that deserve life. Do not be so swift to deal out death in judgement, unless you can give life to them."

The dramatic effect was spoiled by Bilbo, normally of a gentle nature, whose shock at Ori's condition had brought on his own early labour. "I think it's been made clear that as a male, I _can't _give life, and unless someone does something soon, I'll deal out all the death I bloody well want, starting with you!"

Suzi-Maria, the only one who knew more than basic first aid, (_nothing_ that Oin had learned as a Healer had ever prepared him for this!) was shoved forward, and hesitantly approached. "Er, if they have somehow developed a womb, I can probably extract it through caesarean."

One of the MPreg writers turned pale, but was still hardier than several of his fellow writers, who had fainted outright. "Wait, you mean _cut them open?"_

Suzi-Maria glared over her shoulder as Dwalin and Bombur, both rather pale themselves, formed a living barrier between her and their panicking, about-to-give-birth, fellows. "Can you think of another idea? They aren't physically equipped to give birth the normal way!"

Another two writers fainted, and Bifur didn't look far behind. Mairi's already-limited patience snapped as she shot Rowan and Sam a pointed look. "Wake them up! There's at least four in there who could use a good shock, and _all_ of them need to hear this!"

The fan-writers might have needed to hear and see it, but the Narrative Laws (or possibly the Valar – Vairë must have been having a field-day, and Manwë, as their chief, fielding all kinds of awkward questions) must have decided that Rowan, Sam, Mairi and Suzi-Maria had enough sense and respect for Canon that they shouldn't have to endure such a thing.

* * *

The train might have been hot, stifling, and with another ten stops before their destination, but none of the four had ever been so glad to be stuck on shoddy public transport.

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_._

* * *

_A/N: To be clear, I have nothing against Homosexuality, am all for Gay Marriage and Rights, and count a few among my friends. I AM against fics that make a male character pregnant for no apparent reason, especially when they don't put any thought into the consequences. Please take that into account the next time you consider writing one of these._

_Thanks,_

_Nat_


	3. Suddenly Evil Good Characters!

_Disclaimer: I do not own Lord of the Rings, or any of the associated characters. I am very pleased NOT to own any fanfic where good characters suddenly turn evil._

_Summary: You know stories where Good Characters are suddenly capable of giving Sauron a run for his money? Yes, it's THAT chapter._

* * *

**SUDDENLY!EVIL!CHARACTERS!**

They did their best not to read or view any fanworks when Suzi-Maria was around, but talking about it seldom hurt, especially when one of them had questions. This was especially true after the new Middle-Earth movie came out.

Incorporating several things that were mentioned in passing in the Lord of the Rings books, as well as bits and pieces from the Unfinished Tales, Silmarillion and more, had been a good thing, but had the unfortunate side effect of many fan-writers filling in the blanks for themselves, rather than doing any reading or research.

It made Mairi feel sorry for Thranduil, since she doubted that very many people were going to look beyond the few seconds that he turned away from a good-looking dwarf in need, and later threw him in the dungeon, to the facts and very valid reasons underneath.

It was Denethor after _Return of the King_ all over again.

Denethor had been driven by desperation to use the Palantir, which eventually drove him to a bout of madness, and Boromir was the Heir, while Faramir supposedly strongly favoured his deceased mother, so it was natural that Denethor paid more attention to his firstborn. Unfortunately, time constraints meant that the movie showed little of that, and many fan-writers didn't bother to look deeper for the facts, just as they ignored Thranduil's reasons for doing things.

Both the Elvenking and the Steward were good rulers doing all in their power to protect their land and people, but suddenly portrayed as evil, often just because a fan-writer desired a bit of Angst to spice up an otherwise boring fic where a self-insert got the regrettably good-looking son(s).

Right now, they were sitting on the balcony of Mairi's apartment, mid-way through a cooking lesson as they waited for the dough to rise. Suzi-Maria was struggling through her second attempt at embroidery. Mairi was comparing colours for the best one to use for a luceted cord. Rowan was looking through a Brewer's Guild book.

Sam had been sent on a run to the shops nearby for more ingredients when he glanced through the handbook on basic embroidery and complimented Suzi on her stem stitch, only to find out that she had been attempting split-stitch. Mairi gave him twenty dollars and a shopping list, and then pushed him out the door before anyone could get hurt or burst into tears.

Suzi-Maria simply pretended that the entire incident hadn't happened, concentrating on her work and a movie point of debate. "A friend of mine said that she thought that Thranduil looked triumphant when he turned away. What do you think?"

Mairi didn't look up – like weaving, luceting was one of those crafts you had to keep a very careful eye on. "Probably thought that it served the dwarves right. He was raised in Doriath, after all."

Rowan sighed. "Mairi, do you remember how we talked about not everyone having your attention to fictional detail? What does an elven kingdom from the First Age have to do with anything?"

Mairi sighed right back. "Thingol, the King of Doriath, asked the dwarves to make a necklace using one of the Silmarils. Long story short, the dwarves were overcome by greed and wound up killing Thingol in the first sack of Doriath. Seeing Thror's greed bring a dragon down on their heads may have seemed like poetic justice to Thranduil."

Suzi-Maria finished the outline of a flower as the door opened and Sam walked back in. "It's a pity no-one thinks to mention that in their fanfic – oh, bugger!"

A flash of white light cut off a very inventive and very nasty curse.

* * *

It was unsurprising that they landed in the Elvenking's Hall. It was only a little surprising that they were not the first ones there, and seemed to have arrived late to the party.

They had clearly interrupted something, as a small group of teenagers had stopped mid-scold from where they looked to have been lecturing an impassive Elvenking Thranduil. A somewhat larger group was attempting to flirt with Legolas, but had run into a few problems.

The first problem was in the form of a lady who was either the Elvenqueen or a daughter of Thranduil, most likely the former, who was blocking their way to the three younger elves standing in solidarity and support behind Thranduil. The second problem was that the three younger elves were all glaring at the fanwriters, with no indication of anything nicer than indifferent dislike.

The third problem was the inability to decide or discern which of the three elves actually _was_ Legolas.

For once, Mairi looked absurdly happy to be randomly yanked into a fictional world, curtseying deeply to the Elvenking. The other three swiftly copied her, exchanging worried looks. Mairi was never so happy about being unexpectedly yanked into Middle-Earth unless she was about to make some unfortunate fan decidedly UN-happy with her presence.

Looking around, Sam let out a deep breath. "Suzi, we're friends, but I really wish that this wasn't happening all over the place. Why and/or what did we get yanked into this time around?"

Thranduil spared them a brief glance before turning back to the fan-writers, his impassive visage replaced by a hard stare. "Perhaps you could tell me. If I am to be accused of being worse than The Enemy, of such unspeakable crimes as these children lay against me, I should like to know the reason why."

Rowan groaned and covered his eyes. "At a guess, it's because you have physically attractive offspring, and they don't believe that someone can have such good looks without a tragic past of some kind, and rumour spreads quickly."

Sam nodded. "No matter how little sense it makes. My prayer group gets painted as insufferable, intolerant jerks all the time."

Mairi straightened up. "Yes, but you actually _were_ an insufferable, intolerant prat at first, even if you did get better. All that His Majesty is guilty of is perfectly justifiable suspicion and supporting the Men of Laketown and Dale when they sought restitution."

A few of the fan-writers seemed to have recovered from the shock of these new arrivals, who not only weren't joining in the righteous hatred, but were attempting to justify the Elvenking's actions! "But he threw Thorin and the others into the dungeons! And he has an unhealthy interest in jewels!"

Suzi-Maria had been taking lessons in sarcasm from her three friends. "And Mairi's obsession with books frankly scares most people, and Rowan's collection of ornamental daggers can't be healthy! That's hardly a reason to call him evil!"

One of Thranduil's three sons spoke up in his father's defence. "The dwarves had thrice disturbed our feast, roused the spawn of Ungoliant, and refused to give their reasons for being in the forest, which is our sovereign territory, at all! We would have been fools to simply let them go!"

The fan-writers tried to think of a rebuttal for this, and failed miserably, attempting to cover by focussing on a different accusation. "But he took an army to march on the Lonely Mountain!"

This time, King Thranduil answered for himself. "I'm not such a fool as to face the possibility of a Dragon alone, and I know how unreasonable Dwarves can be about their riches! The Men of Laketown offered only aid, and in return received only ruin. My army marched to aid Laketown and support them as they claimed what was their due!"

An especially stupid fan-writer (which, admittedly, did not narrow it down much) tried to come up with another theory. "You're a tyrant, because you keep such a stern rule over your subjects!"

Mairi looked around during the heavy pause. "Did that make sense to _anyone_? Living in the shadow of Dol Guldur, you'd _have_ to keep a stern rule if you wanted your subjects to stay alive! That doesn't make someone a tyrant!"

A slightly more intelligent writer (which, again, did not say much) who had found a few canon comments to back up his opinion joined those who had found gaping holes being torn in their arguments. "But the books say that wood-elves are more dangerous and less wise than the others! They call them Dark Elves! Counter that!"

None of the four bothered to answer, because a second of the Mirkwood Princes got there first. "Books written by Noldor Elves, I imagine. We loved Middle-Earth and chose to stay, rather than go to Amon, and are called Moriquendi because we never saw the light of the Two Trees before Ungoliant destroyed them. At least _we_ can claim to have never initiated a Kinslaying!"

Sam, Rowan and Suzi-Maria all turned to Mairi, who waved a hand. "Sensitive topic; I'll explain later."

The last of the would-be-scolds finally had her chance to speak. "But everyone at home said that Thranduil was cruel and abusive to his sons!"

This silence was even heavier as the Elvenking's mouth hung open almost comically, and was broken by the Elven Lady, whose flat, deadly, tone could have frozen Mount Doom. "Excuse me?"

The four hastily retreated as far as possible in the face of a protective female, bumping into a wall. "And this, everyone, is where we see the dangers of listening to unfounded accusations!"

As a child, Mairi and her sisters had come close to being taken away from their parents because of a paranoid medical receptionist who had looked at a child who really _had _broken her arm falling down a flight of stairs, and whose low immune system led to falling sick easily, and been on the verge of calling Child Protective Services before the family doctor stepped in. Needless to say, she had a sore spot about 'Random Abuse fics'.

So did Thranduil and the Lady who was more probably his wife, if the way they gripped hands was any indication. "Children are rare, a thing to be treasured, and there is no such thing as an elfling who is unwanted or unloved! To raise a hand against them –" The Elvenqueen shook her head.

Thranduil continued the rebuttal, his face like thunder, an expression mirrored by his sons, two of whom were holding back the third. "I have faced my sons on the training field, teaching them how to use a knife or sword, but I would never deliberately harm them! I demand to know who is responsible for such defamation and slander!"

Trying to make themselves invisible against the opposite wall, Sam, Mairi and Rowan all turned to Suzi-Maria, who screwed up her face in concentration. If she could drag them into random fanfiction, then surely she should be able to drag them out, and this was an emergency! None of them wanted to stick around for the result of such an allegation.

Whatever Suzi-Maria did, it worked, and they disappeared from the throne room in another flash of white light."

* * *

Landing back in her apartment, Mairi threw a spool of embroidery cotton at Suzi-Maria's head, grumbling under her breath about stupid fan-writers.

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* * *

_A/N: I have seen all of the above reasons used with complete seriousness in fanfiction, as depressing as that is. Thranduil managed to keep Mirkwood mostly safe and under Elven control without the help of a Ring of Power. One does not do that by letting suspicious travellers who refuse to state their business wander through without question. Thranduil's original reason to muster his army was to bring military aid to Laketown, hardly a foreign concept, and when he heard that the Men planned to go to the Lonely Mountain to claim a share of the treasure, he went with them. Either the dwarves were dead, in which case the unclaimed treasure was up for grabs, or the dwarves were alive, in which case they probably weren't likely to part with the treasure without a fight._

_None of these facts make the Elvenking evil, though you wouldn't know it to ask/read some fan-writers._

_Thanks,_

_Nat_


	4. Address and Appearance

_Disclaimer: Nope, still don't own it_

_Summary: See previous chapters._

* * *

**APPEARANCE AND ADDRESS**

This bi-monthly gathering was at Rowan's apartment, where he had taken up Mairi's habit of taste-testing recipes on other people before trying to present it to his guild mentor. Sam was helping to look up documentation, since most of the recipes from that time and place were written in a different language.

The linguistically-gifted member of their little group looked up. "Um, how accurate do you want me to be here? Whoever wrote this was fond of terms like 'wench' and 'knave', but I don't think you want to hand that it to a teacher."

Rowan was, ironically enough, being mentored by Mistress Rowan, the first Baroness and Mistress of several Guilds. He wouldn't have handed wording like that in to anyone, but especially not to a multiple Guild mistress. "I'd appreciate if you'd re-word it a little. 'Wench' may be Period, but it's not something I want to document."

Having been told several times about the necessity of things being Period-appropriate, Sam was understandably confused. "But an Elizabethan person might call a woman a 'wench' if she wasn't of an obviously higher social class. Wouldn't they do the same with you lot?"

Mairi and Suzi looked up from a book on the history of medicine, two pointedly-raised eyebrows daring him to try it. Rowan shuddered at a recollection of the last time that happened. "Not without injury, they wouldn't. About a third of our fighters are female, and girls stick together in these things. Don't even get me started on what cooks, seamstresses, and other professions can do to make your life miserable if they feel insulted."

Suzi looked very interested; after several months of no-one taking her seriously as anything but a general nuisance, some skill that would have made them treat her with some level of respect would have been wonderful. Rowan had been on the receiving end of a rather inventive woman who decided that peer disapproval worked wonders on arrogant boys, and one of Rowan's shield-mates had been very unpopular with the rest of the company when he had got the entire unit banned from the tavern.

That wouldn't have been horrible, but then word had spread to the cooking stalls. Several cooks competing to see who was the best, and all pretending that the company wasn't there when they tried to buy anything.

Rowan wasn't about to share the details of _that_ story at knife-point, especially not with anyone who hadn't been there and already finished laughing at the compay's misfortune.

Suzi translated his expression easily enough, and sighed. "No, I suppose you wouldn't be inclined to tell me. A pity, though; I could have used something like that when we were in Middle – "

The other three lunged to clap a hand over her mouth, a few seconds too late.

* * *

They appeared just outside of Rivendell. From the sound of Wargs in the far distance, it was – currently – safely away from any pursuing Orc-pack.

That didn't make them safe from a patrol of hostile and wary elves, a hobbit and thirteen dwarves (mostly just hostile to anything over four foot tall) and a gaggle of increasingly confused and irritated fanwriters.

For once, they didn't have to introduce themselves, as a fanwriter narrowed his eyes, pointing at them dramatically. "I know you! You're those 'canon-hunters' who came out of a self-insert fic and insist on going around trying to destroy common plot-points! We were warned about you!"

Hearing this, several elves instantly dismounted and bowed, having endured the fanwriters long enough to welcome and respect anyone who could get rid of them. "My Lords, my Ladies."

Another fanwriter threw up their hands. "Hey, why do they get called that? You refused to address us like nobility!"

Actually, that had baffled Suzi more than a little, though Rowan and Mairi had instantly bowed in return, hands over hearts. "I'd sort of like to know that, too. Sam was called 'Master', as were the Hobbits, Rowan seemed to alternate between 'Master' and 'Lord', and I didn't get called 'Lady' until after Lothlorien, but everyone called you 'Lady Mairi' from the start."

Mairi closed her eyes, ignoring the Middle-Earth natives for now. "Hobbits have no station higher than Thain or Mayor, though they do have Gentlehobbits, so all of them would be addressed as 'Master' or 'Miss'. The same principle applies for Sam and you," she frowned in thought, "though I actually don't remember people addressing you much at all, at the beginning."

Rowan shook his head, taking over the explanation. "They didn't, or mostly referred to them as 'your companion/s' while talking to or about us. Anyway, a name and locative byname, such as Mairi of Kilravok, generally indicates upper-class, or at least land-ownership, and we introduced me as her protector, which implies a lower rank, but also automatically indicates that _SOMEONE_ holds me in high enough regard to entrust me with Mairi's safety. That makes me a 'person of merit', which leads back to 'My Lord as a term of respect. They started calling Suzi 'Lady' after the miracle healing fiasco, as I recall."

The Elves and Dwarves looked interested, as well they might. "Miracle healing, you say?"

Sam shook his head, "A long and complicated story, my lords. Pay it no mind."

* * *

A tanned girl with multiple piercings, including her nose and lip, stepped forward from somewhere in the back of the fanwriter group, hoping to continue the argument, but hastily drew back when the Rivendell elves instantly drew their weapons, prompting the others to do the same. "Haradrim! Get back!"

The girl did so, back-peddling so fast that she knocked into a friend, who was dressed in typical Earth teenage fashion. The friend staggered forward, drawing scandalized cries from dwarves and elves alike, and bumped into another fanwriter. That one, clad in an extremely low-cut dress that ended around mid-calf, deliberately fell so that she could look imploringly at the elves. "Won't one of you help me?"

The leader of the patrol looked at her impassively. "You seem capable of falling on your back without assistance, judging by your manner of dress, as does your acquaintance. Forgive us our disinclination to intervene."

Ori, Fili and Kili all snickered, before they realized who they were laughing with, and pretended to have done no such thing. The rest of Thorin's company were determinedly minding their own business and hoping not to be noticed.

More than one fanwriter looked confused, but didn't really want to risk the sharp ends of various weaponry in their curiosity for an explanation. Instead, wilfully ignoring the irony, a few looked toward the four sarcastic newcomers. Rowan managed to explain that Tattoos and piercings were generally an indication of pirates or Haradrim, and that while a girl in pants _might _get away with pretending to be travelling in disguise, it was usually a sign of cross-dressing, but faltered as he searched for a polite way to explain the remark about the dress.

Mairi was not so scrupulous, and so fed up with the fanwriter's behaviour - she had never help much esteem for those, male or female, who slept with whoever took their fancy, whom she saw as having an appalling lack of self-respect - that she didn't censor herself. Perhaps bluntness and a sharp shock would get through to them. "Oh, for the love of the Valar! 'Fall on your back' is slang for 'will sleep with anything that doesn't run away' and a low-cut, high-hemmed dress is either a cast off from a much broader woman that has drastically shrunk in the wash, or an indication of a Streetwalker, to put it politely!"

Ori's gentle nature finally won out over his desire to avoid involvement, and he stepped forward, offering his cloak to the one dressed in Earth fashion. "There's no need to speak so roughly to children in unfortunate circumstances, my Lady! Here you are, Miss. I don't know what happened that you're forced to wander in naught but your bodice and belt, but I'm sure that one of the Elves has a spare cloak or blanket that you can fashion into a dress of some kind."

A few of the elves looked contrite now, rather than scandalized, and offered up the mentioned items. Rather than play on sympathy and possibly earn goodwill through politeness, the girl pushed it away. "Excuse me? I'll have you know that this is a perfectly good mini-skirt and tank top! Why would I need to make my own clothes when someone else could do it for me?"

Sam rubbed a hand over his eyes. "That, right there, explains _so_ much about you people."

The lead fanwriter waved their hand imperiously. "We don't want you here ruining our fun! Get back to wherever you came from! _Alakazam_!"

The mocking laughter that followed the fanwriter's inexplicable need to add in 'magic words' managed to hang around for a good five minutes after the four giving voice to it had vanished.

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* * *

_A/N: So, Swytla and I were talking, and I realized that this is another thing (or two things) than needed to be tackled. Now, in the SCA, 'Lord' and 'Lady' are the default terms for a person whose name you don't know, unless they are wearing an obvious indication of rank… such as a crown or some kind of badge of office. Likewise 'Master' or 'Mistress' is shorthand for 'Guild-master/-mistress', an indication of skill in a particular area. It's a small issue in the world of fanfiction, so I don't usually take exception to it, but I decided to bring it up just in case._

_Manner of dress, on the other hand, is much bigger. If you showed up in the Shire in a skirt that reached above your knees, or anything that showed off your elbows, you'd probably be arrested for public indecency. In many cases, the bust, neckline, and sometimes shoulders were about the only bare skin you could show off, but even then there were limits. They didn't have elastic or anything, so falling out of a dress, if it was too low-cut, was a potential risk, and in such a close community, everyone would know about it within a day._

_Mairi might have been very blunt, and quite rude, but she was right._

_If there are any other ideas you'd like me to tackle, let me know in a review!_

_Thanks,_

_Nat_


	5. Cross-Species

_Disclaimer: I do not own Lord of the Rings, The Hobbit, or any associated works. All credit goes to Tolkien and a little to Peter Jackson._

_Summary: Peredhil are not common, and there's far more than that that makes cross-race breeding unlikely…_

* * *

**CROSS-SPECIES**

"Right, it's official. From now on, no-one is to even mention fanfiction when Suzi-Maria is within a kilometre radius. No offense, Suzi."

Suzi-Maria shook her head, glancing around the mountains that looked nothing like the suburbs around Mairi's house. "None taken. I'm getting a bit sick of it myself."

Sam took a closer look, trying to spot what had brought them here this time. "It's a bit like MST3K, isn't it? I mean, we show up, we poke holes in arguments, we leave. Similarities, anyone."

Rowan tried to keep a straight face. "Dibs on being Crow. I didn't think you even watched that kind of thing, Sam."

Sam shrugged. "We all have guilty pleasures. Suzi has an obsession with unicorns, Mairi has Pavlova, and I have MST3K, though I'll deny it to the ends of the earth if you tell anyone."

Mairi gave them both an amused look. "At this point, we _are_ a MST. What do you think happened this time?"

Suzi-Maria pointed to a cave some twenty feet up, where a female elf and a dwarf (presumably male) were getting snuggly, and then to a little below there, where the now-familiar bunch of teenage fan-writers were looking confused. "Shall we ask them?"

* * *

Some of the more sensible fan-writers looked apprehensive and backed away when they saw the four friends, word having spread by now. The rest, either too new or too single-minded to have encountered them, appeared only vaguely annoyed at the interruption. Mairi tried not to laugh as Rowan pulled off a passable imitation of his Mentor-ess at her very sternest. "What is going on here?"

The more sensible ones jumped; from prior experience, the appearance of the four usually heralded either being shouted at, or something going very unexpectedly-but-realistically wrong. Often it was both.

One of the less sensible ones smiled brightly and bounced over, ignoring the muttered warnings. "We finally found an elf and a dwarf in a romantic relationship, and we're waiting to see if they have a baby. Fic Justification at last!"

Suzi tried to ignore the multitude of things wrong with that sentence, feeling another surge of shame that she had once thought like that. "Fic Justification?"

One of the more sensible ones, who Suzi thought she had seen a few times before, approached carefully and nodded. "Sorry about her. Justification for all of the 'half-elf, half-dwarf joins the Company, and a dwarf falls in love' fic. It's an interesting idea, if you can come up with a reason for the dwarf to be willing to ignore the 'half-elf' side of her nature."

Sam looked like he wanted to thump the nearest fan-writer's head against something solid. "So, ignoring the unlikelihood of an elf and a dwarf willingly interacting for long enough to even consider falling in love – none of the four races really interact with each other much, you know – who wants to bet that the offspring only inherits one set of racial traits?"

Rowan was about to call him out on a sucker bet, but one of the fan-writers got there first. "They might not interact _much, _but they do interact! The Company stayed at Rivendell for a few weeks. That's long enough to fall in love at first sight and get to know each other enough to elope."

Voiced with enough matter-of-fact certainty to make Mairi twitch and the sensible fan-writer cringe, another fan seamlessly continued. "Elrond had a twin who chose a mortal life, and he's half-elven! Arwen married Aragorn, so obviously elves do marry other races! Besides, mixed-race is way more interesting than just a normal person."

For once, Mairi was not the one who had to be held back from strangling someone. Suzi-Maria lunged at the unfortunate speaker, who backed away in alarm. "FOUR TIMES! One of the Eldar married one of the Race of Men four times in over seven thousand years! Beren and Luthien, Tuor and Idril Celebrindel, Eärendil and Elwing, and Aragorn and Arwen! All of them of a single family line! Does that sound like a common event to you?"

The fan-writer was saved when her friend tried a counter argument. "Well, no, but that's just humans and elves. An elf could marry a dwarf and it'd be all 'Romeo-and-Juliet-enemies-falling-in-love', and maybe no-one documented it because they kept it a secret or it was just too steamy and scandalous to put on paper or - GAH!"

Mairi promptly dropped Suzi-Maria and went for the second fanwriter, coming within centimetres of getting her hands around his neck before Sam practically tackled her. "LET GO OF ME! I'm going to make him _eat_ the Silmarillion, down to the last sentence! Romeo and Juliet were a pair of impulsive teenage idiots! Do you remember how long it took Legolas and Gimli to even be civil to each other? Or the fact that one of the couple will die and the other will probably fade from grief? WHERE DO YOU IDIOTS EVEN COME FROM?"

* * *

While Mairi and Suzi-Maria railed at the fanwriters, Rowan and Sam quietly moved over to where the elf and dwarf were looking annoyed but resigned to the invasion of their privacy. "How are you holding up?

The elf lady gave the barest hint of a rueful smile. "Well, it's the first time a mob has been yelling support instead of abuse, but it is also the first time someone has been considerate enough to tell the mob to go away and leave us alone, either."

Her spouse sighed. "We thought that we would finally find safety and peace here. Winter is too close for us to start building now, but there is a good vein of minerals nearby, and the cave has enough shelter from the elements that we will be well."

The dwarve gestured for the two youths to sit down, continuing the tale. "I mean, we knew what we were getting into from the start – " he reached out and took his wife's hand, the couple exchanging loving smiles, " – but that lot outside are just ridiculous!"

Sam frowned in confusion, not quite understanding. "What do you mean; you knew what you were getting into?"

Happy to have someone who would at least listen to their reasoning, the unlikely couple sat down, still holding hands and the elf lady took up the explanation. "We knew that we would be permitted to find no home in any of the elven or dwarven realms, and that it was unlikely that we would ever be blessed with children. We knew that there would be almost no-one who did not look at us with scorn or disapproval, that our friends and families would NOT understand, and that one day we would be separated by death."

Again, the couple exchanged loving glances. "But we made our choice, and entered the union with our eyes open. I wish I could save my wife from years of loneliness while she Fades from grief, but she would have suffered the same loss if I had simply left, but without any happy memories to make it worth the sorrow."

The elf lady kissed her husband. "And I would have done anything to spare you the pain of exile from your home and family – anything except stop loving you. Whatever happens in the future, we have no regrets."

Various others had drifted over during the exchange. Some, including Mairi and Suzi-Maria, looked sappily wistful, but most totally bypassed the very real and tragic issues to focus on the superficial. "Why can't you have babies? It totally blows our art out of the water, so why not?"

Rowan and Sam deliberately stepped between the two young women and the fan-writer who had asked the indelicate question, just in time. The dwarve closed his eyes. "If we explain, will you finally shut up and leave us alone?"

The fan-writers looked either indignant or reluctant, but nodded. The couple seemed happy to tell someone, and even happier that it would make the fan-writers go away. "Elves and Dwarves may look similar, but we are different species. More than that, Dwarves were created by Mahal, Aule, instead of by Illuvatar, who brought into being all else in the world. Some species are compatible and can bear offspring, but others cannot, and children are rare enough amongst both our peoples that we may never find out. Perhaps it is better that way."

Some of the fanwriters were starting to understand, but most still looked confused. "Why would it be better not to have children?"

The Dwarve gave the fan-writer an overly-patient look. "Any child of ours would be caught between two worlds, but belong to neither, for our races are not friends, and would not look past the fact that the child shared the blood of a people they disliked. Is it fair to sentence an innocent child to that fate?"

Mairi muttered something that sounded like, "Oh, don't encourage them", mirrored by Suzi's "More opportunity for pointless angst".

Fortunately, both of them were drowned out by yet another fan-writer. "But they're half-elven, surely they'd be beautiful enough that no-one would care!"

It was the Elf lady's turn to deliver a dry look. "If looks were the be-all and end-all, then we never would have fallen in love, for different people have very different standards of beauty. Besides, every child has two parents, and it does not follow that they should only take after one."

The fan-writers looked confused, and Mairi sighed. Honestly, it was almost as bad as the MPreg fiasco! "The child could be an especially tall and skinny Dwarve with a disappointing lack of facial hair, or a short and burly elf with a surprising excess of it. Even if they did take after only one parent, that means that they would only be accepted by one people, and possibly not even then, if it meant leaving their family behind to join a people who would only accept half of who you were. Honestly, THINK about it!"

The unlikely couple inclined their heads in a small gesture of acknowledgement and thanks at Mairi's words, and Rowan had just enough time to consider that things were about to get interesting as a fan-writer drew themselves up, almost swelling like a bullfrog.

Then the world faded around them, and they were back in their own world again.

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_A/N: I know it's been a while since I updated, but work is keeping me unbelievably busy and I just didn't have the time. Anyway, at least the new chapter is up, and constructive criticism is much appreciated. _

_For the unenlightened, MST3K is '__Mystery Science Theatre 3000__, where a human and a bunch of robots get together to make fun of the worst movies ever made. Just don't eat or drink anything while watching, unless you feel like cleaning up whatever you just spat across the room from laughing too hard._

_Thanks_

_Nat_


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